“The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, not the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Something remarkable is happening, and I can only (barely) put words to it now.
I'm calling it the alchemical nature of Spirit.
I doubted myself, what I was doing, and my worth as a mother, healer, and caretaker. I’ve been feeling low, dazed, and irritable.
I started things and didn’t finish them. So the inner critic went wild with disapproval. I’ve stalled endeavors because comparison energy was dominating, and my fire was waning; what seems like a brilliant idea one day turns into a pile of nothing the next. Things that were so important held no value.
I poured through images on Pinterest and the like, noticing everything I didn’t have. I see all the “things” and “chores” that overburden me. The house insurance, medical insurance, the car insurance, the grocery bill- all so expensive. How will my family and I survive? How will any of us survive? We are not the 1%. School bullies, grown-up bullies, power plays. Where are the helpers? The advocates?
And on and on it goes, quickly spiraling downward, deeper and deeper. I feel imprisoned, bound, and gagged physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I believe this is not my natural state; my soul’s purpose is not here to feel like this. But I DO feel this way. So I must move through it with my eyes wide open, not shut.
I believe the seeds of this drudgery were planted long ago and never tended to, never transformed. It can’t be ignored anymore. I have reached my threshold- the physical manifestation of stress. Physical pain stops me from “doing” and forces me to “be.”What I have learned, however, is that there is always a voice, no matter how faint, that persistently calls to me. I am joy. I am love. I hurt now, and it's temporary, and I learn. I am joy. I am love. I am not defined by despair.
Fierce self-compassion and reset must be my priority. First move, lots of communication with my family about exactly what I need. That could mean a group bedtime story instead of individual ones, less time with my husband talking, or chilling out with Netflix in the evening. Delegation of chores: making school lunches, prepping morning coffee, sorting out laundry. It can also mean an unconventional dinner – which is very hard for me because I love to cook and show love through my cooking, but sometimes pre-cooked mac-n-cheese and frozen microwave peas will have to do. This open communication dispels any martyr's self-dialogue and simmering resentment. After all, If they don’t know, they don’t know!
Next, I change into my cozy, comfy clothes and crawl into bed. Sometimes I take a hot shower to wash the energy off me, but sometimes I’m too damn tired. I tell google to play sleep music, and I lay in the dim light of my room and say gratitude for everything around me. I breathe long and deep, feeling most of the pain in my body be released. Once I’m in that state of release and surrender, I connect to the Great Spirit, my shaman guides and ancestors, and “anyone else” who wants to join in to help elevate me and bring me back to my soul. I surrender; I thank spirit for my life, for another day, and for helping me recognize everyday life's blessings. Help me see the magic in every day, I ask. I say aloud, and please give me guidance and wisdom. It’s always the small things that are the most valuable. I begin to have a parade of images of all the blessings I experienced in the past 72 hours and feel in my heart from my guides that more are to come, and I will be in a better place to recognize and receive them. Radical acceptance of who I am.
Lastly, if I’m not asleep by then or feel like I need more, it’s Mary Oliver’s poetry to the rescue. Her connection with nature reminds me of where I come from and what is real.
This doesn’t mean I jump out of bed the following day, singing songs and wearing dresses. But it does mean that I am always in a much better place to practice fierce self-compassion and move forward in partnership with spirit. And I can help people! I remember I am not alone and that I'm here with a purpose, just like you.
Also, during this experience, beautiful gifts were bestowed upon me:
Several client notes came in one after the other, expressing profound gratitude and love for me and my predictive and healing work in our sessions dating from 2022, 2021, 2020, and 2019.
Out of the blue, a phone call from one insurance company resolved a potentially formidable financial and mentally stressful situation.
Daily angelic signs: 11:11, 12:12, 5:55, 06:06, 222, 333, 444, 555
Last-minute visits with old friends who just let me cry
Love gifts from sweet children remind me that LOVE is the best heart balm.
Tarot cards I pull enforce the fact that you can’t make this stuff up. As I write this post, this morning’s card was the 5 of Pentacles, which reminds me that (more) help is just around the corner.
A surprise bouquet delivery I received from two loving clients I am honored to serve. (Pictured above. Bouquet courtesy Cymbidium Floral, Exeter, NH).
These are the tip of the iceberg things. There is so much depth, love, and joy to discover in this life. We are never alone.
Thanks for listening.