Hi Friends! It’s been a while. I’ve been over here living life on life’s terms. I’ve missed this forum, and I’ve missed writing. It feels good to be typing this right now, even if I’m still struggling with writer’s block that I didn’t fully emerge from a few months ago.
I’ve had this difficult shift into understanding what it means to be authentically “in the moment.” When I think I know something, life presents something that allows me to see that I need more work in that area. So here I am.
I started thinking about how I’m good at being in the moment: more often than not, when I’m with my kids; when I’m with my dog, especially when I brush him; meditating; date night with my husband because it can’t happen as often as we’d like. When I’m with a client, I am in many moments at once, pulling information and sharing what I’m given, so I think that counts. I’m in the moment when I listen to music I love or read poetry, which is one of my favorite things to do. I’m in the moment when I’m in nature, listening to the wind speak to me and hearing the birds carry on without my needing to do anything.
How I get tripped up on experiencing in-the-moment: trying to create a future filled with details (controlling) instead of feelings (releasing control). The more stress I feel, the more controlling and short-tempered I get. I used to tell my kids that it’s OK to be angry but not to take it out on others around you. Wow, what a hypocrite I’ve been! That’s definitely an area of improvement for me. Blocking-in-the-moment experiences also come from getting hung up on needing to do parts of life with people I don’t want to be around, feeling angry, dismissed, and betrayed. Betrayal is a doozy for me, and feeling dismissed makes me feel like I want to head-butt someone- a skill I don’t even have. But now I understand those feelings often come from my setting unreasonable and unnecessary expectations for myself and others and seeking outside approval for something that needs inside approval (me) first.
When I look at that list of in-the-moment hindrances, I see that all those are reactions and not responses, and that is the most damaging symptom right there- Reactivity.
When I am not intentionally connecting with spirit every day, when I don’t notice the weather of the day or the colors of the sunrise through my front window, when I get so far up in my head that I move through the day feeling like there is nothing special in my life, I unintentionally set up a lovely cozy environment for Reactivity.
I’ve spent so much of my life angry and taking things too personally. Thank goodness hindsight is 20/20 because sometimes my foresight was legally blind.
I would love to say I’m fully moved through this challenging time, but I’m not. Not yet.
I temporarily forgot that I was mourning the loss of my life as it was. Now, the gifts of memory and new possibilities propel me in a better way forward. I go through phases when I'm always on the verge of tears because I feel it all coming, and it's a little overwhelming. But it's not an end, only a way to a new beginning.
I remember days in my life that seemed impossible to get through. I wanted nothing more than to bypass the pain and skip to being on the other side of suffering, like a little kid afraid of thunder and lightning who wants the storm to pass so he can unclench and come out from under the covers again. It pained me when time was moving too slowly.
That’s the kind of feeling I’ve been having recently. Life is fleeting and so short! How do I shift? How do I change my perspective so life works for me as it wants to? How do I shift like flowing water, like Buddha, moving naturally, divinely?
First, I remember that I will get through difficult moments, phases, and times. Everything has a cycle of life, death, and rebirth. Everything. Why should I be any different? This too shall pass. It may feel like walking over live lobsters without their rubber band handcuffs on, but it will pass.
Second, like all of you, I have a divine spark in me. I am here, specifically now, to feel, experience, and learn. I have so much working for me. My spirits, guides, and ancestors always stand by me. I am never alone, abandoned, or left behind. They love me and support me. They are the reason I am here now.
Third, what am I grateful for? Where is that gratitude journal, anyway? Which one? For the most recent one, maybe I need to fill out the rest of the pages with what I’m grateful for so I can buy a new one. Gratitude and intention are the keys to unlocking love, magic, potential, and abundance. I feel this truth in my bones.
Lastly (for now), what do I have in my life that makes me feel good? This differs from gratitude because I’m focusing on physical sensations. My kids make me laugh (because they are hilarious), and laughter feels good and boosts my immune system. It feels good when my husband sings his goofy songs to me. It warms my heart when my dog, my massive heap of love, leans back and puts his paws up for a hug when I walk by him. Seeing how many lovely and loving people I have in my life feels humbling and heartwarming. It feels good when I feel my hands in the earth; that time will be here before I know it. Feeling a physical sensation of the positive, loving energy that fills my body when I remember how these things make me feel brings me back to center.
I’m here for a purpose and have a divine plan, just like you. These challenging times will be met, and then they will move on, and I will be fine. Then they will come back, and they will move on again, and I will be stronger and hopefully wiser for it. I do not want to spend my life living in a perpetual state of frustration and distrust. It goes against everything I want and deserve to feel in this life.
The fact is, the universe and all that is, IS working for me. My frustrations are legit, but my inability to let go of any undesirable outcomes is not. So how do I counteract that? Living in the space of “this too shall pass” and “everything is working out for the best” is based on Trust. I trust in spirit to show me what needs to be seen. And I also need to remember that I am a work in progress and have to be nice to myself. There is nothing “perfect” or easy about any of this, but it is still worth doing and interesting. It's the grit of life.
Remembering that I am part of a bigger whole is also important. I am not alone and certainly not the only one in charge! Even if I act like I am (a little self-deprecating humor also keeps it real sometimes). We are all together, interweaving and interconnecting in each other’s lives without even knowing it. I want to make the best of that. I want to bring joy, love, trust, and comfort to the Table of the Universe. Those are the qualities I want to embody.
I trust that I am supported, loved, and guided to be exactly where I need to be at exactly the right moment. This is how I make sense of things. I am an active participant in my life, not a prisoner of it. I will take risks with the understanding that awareness and discovery hold hands with courage and strength.
Thanks for listening.
“And the day will come when those difficult moments are merely stories to be told proudly.”